The Evolution of my Life

On January 28th, 2016 I woke up and knew I had had enough. I couldn’t continue the cycle of drinking and not drinking and thinking about drinking and drinking too much and being hungover, anymore. I was in Hawaii on a last minute vacation, by myself.

The details of the events that brought me to the moment where I woke up in Hawaii, ready to quit drinking, are a bit tedious and hard to follow so, I’ll try to keep it as simple and clear as possible. You see, I had booked this last minute Hawaiian getaway just 5 days ahead of time. It was a weak attempt at my own version of Forgetting Sarah Marshall (you know, the movie where Jason Segal goes to Hawaii to get over Kristen Bell!?), though I definitely wasn’t expecting to meet Mila Kunis on this long weekend.  A friend and I had become intensely close over the prior few months. There was texting and talking and laughter and support and, eventually, a drunken hook up.  Did I mention she was married? To a man? Yeah. When her husband found out, our friendship exploded. What followed was a messy few months. (more…)

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Telling a Secret

I didn’t go to College.

There. I said it.

Not that this is the biggest secret in the world but, it is something that I’ve felt increasingly anxious about people finding out over the past few years. You see, the people I know and interact with on a regular basis are often VERY educated and super smart. I always have this fear that they’ll find out that I don’t have any degree at all, never mind the multiple degrees a lot of them have, and decide that I’m not smart enough to hang out with. Or smart enough to work with. Or smart enough to exist in their world. (more…)

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Tomboy

Yesterday I saw/heard two interviews with Lena Waithe. For those of you who don’t know who she is, she recently was the first black woman to win a comedy writing Emmy for co-writing the Thanksgiving episode in season 2 of Mater of None. Her new series, The Chi, just debuted on Showtime so she’s been doing the interview circuit.

I am 37 years old and I came out almost 21 years ago. I have seen things change drastically in that time, including myself. Coming out before the age of the internet meant that I had to find all of my gay stuff in bookstores and video stores. Seeing women who looked like me in media was a rare treat, and it only ever really happened in movies I rented. Growing up my film and TV role models were Vada Sultenfuss from My Girl, Jo on the Facts of Life, Valerie Bertinelli’s character on One Day At A Time and, Alex Mack on The Secret World of Alex Mack. The thing is, as each of these characters grow up, they also grow out of their tomboyish-ness. (more…)

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Slow Burn

It’s noon and I just got out of bed. I wasn’t sleeping that whole time — it’s just that it’s raining out and I love the sound of rain more than almost anything so, I stayed in bed to listen to it.

I’m a slow burn. It takes me a long time go get things done. My friendships build slowly, the tasks I do have lots of breaks built in, it can take me so long to realize I like someone romantically that they have often already moved on to friend mode by the time my light bulb goes on. Acting quickly, when it relates to myself, is something I’ve never been keen on. Rapid fire questions can give me an anxiety attack, I like to get to events early so they can fill in around me, I love my fucking couch. I’m afraid. Of what, you ask? Well, pretty much everything. (more…)

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Well, here I am. But, why?

I had my last drink on January 27th, 2016. I was on vacation, alone, in Hawaii. That next morning I was done with it. It was an interesting vacation after that, crying on the beach every day. This decision came after at least two years of agonizing and thinking and justifying my relationship with alcohol. This came after years of using, first, self-mutilation (cutting) and eventually alcohol to help me deal with feelings. I was 35 years old and I was about to learn how to really be a human for the first time.

hawaii sunset
Actual photo I took on my crying, Hawaiian vacation.

As I began finding my path and my people in the recovery space, things got easier. I was able to deal with how I felt as it was happening. I was able to hold my boundaries and take care of myself. There was one thing missing for me though, the stories of other queer people. (more…)

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