Not Hiding

Content Warning: while not particularly descriptive or detailed, this piece does mention self mutilation so, if you’re extra sensitive to that topic, this may not be the read for you. 

I don’t remember exactly when the first time was that I cut myself, I just remember that I was in 7th or 8th grade. All of my journals from that time in my life are in my dad’s basement, 3000 miles away in New Hampshire so, I’m having to go on memory here. Please, bear with me as I work to recall the details (more…)

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The Evolution of my Life

On January 28th, 2016 I woke up and knew I had had enough. I couldn’t continue the cycle of drinking and not drinking and thinking about drinking and drinking too much and being hungover, anymore. I was in Hawaii on a last minute vacation, by myself.

The details of the events that brought me to the moment where I woke up in Hawaii, ready to quit drinking, are a bit tedious and hard to follow so, I’ll try to keep it as simple and clear as possible. You see, I had booked this last minute Hawaiian getaway just 5 days ahead of time. It was a weak attempt at my own version of Forgetting Sarah Marshall (you know, the movie where Jason Segal goes to Hawaii to get over Kristen Bell!?), though I definitely wasn’t expecting to meet Mila Kunis on this long weekend.  A friend and I had become intensely close over the prior few months. There was texting and talking and laughter and support and, eventually, a drunken hook up.  Did I mention she was married? To a man? Yeah. When her husband found out, our friendship exploded. What followed was a messy few months. (more…)

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Telling a Secret

I didn’t go to College.

There. I said it.

Not that this is the biggest secret in the world but, it is something that I’ve felt increasingly anxious about people finding out over the past few years. You see, the people I know and interact with on a regular basis are often VERY educated and super smart. I always have this fear that they’ll find out that I don’t have any degree at all, never mind the multiple degrees a lot of them have, and decide that I’m not smart enough to hang out with. Or smart enough to work with. Or smart enough to exist in their world. (more…)

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Slow Burn

It’s noon and I just got out of bed. I wasn’t sleeping that whole time — it’s just that it’s raining out and I love the sound of rain more than almost anything so, I stayed in bed to listen to it.

I’m a slow burn. It takes me a long time go get things done. My friendships build slowly, the tasks I do have lots of breaks built in, it can take me so long to realize I like someone romantically that they have often already moved on to friend mode by the time my light bulb goes on. Acting quickly, when it relates to myself, is something I’ve never been keen on. Rapid fire questions can give me an anxiety attack, I like to get to events early so they can fill in around me, I love my fucking couch. I’m afraid. Of what, you ask? Well, pretty much everything. (more…)

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