885 Days Ago

885 Days Ago

I was looking through some old writing today and came across this. I wrote it 885 days ago, when I was 66 days sober. Sixty six days sober was pre- Hip Sobriety School. It was pre-sobriety community. It was pre-so many things that are part of my daily life now.

I often like to sit back and marvel at how much I’ve changed over the past 2+ years but, this is 100% unedited and shows me that I might just be exactly who I’ve always been. 

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Me. 66 days sober. 

 

When I want to drink, I like to stop and think about WHY I want to drink.

I’ve noticed that, often, the feeling comes after negative self-talk.  “why hasn’t so and so texted me?  I must be annoying her.  I hope I don’t bug her so much that she doesn’t want to be my friend.  Why am I so dumb?  I’m such an idiot!”   In turn I’ve started to try to consciously counter that negative self-talk.  “so and so has her own damn life and it’s not all about you.  She is a good friend and appreciates you.  Your friends love hanging out with you and talking to you.  You make them laugh and you’re a good listener. If you don’t hear from her in a day or so, reach out and let her know you care.”  Flipping the dialogue I have in my head has really started helping me out.  I’ve been finding that my thoughts have been going to alcohol or self-harm or cigarettes or any other kind of “escape” I can think of when I’m feeling stressed, angry, unsure and unwanted.  My negative self-talk only enhances that feeling.  Bullying myself into being sober isn’t going to help in the long run.  What It will do is sabotage me in my life.  If I think I’m stupid and weak and unable to commit to something, isn’t that only going to turn into the truth?  If I don’t see how worthy I am, how am I ever going to believe that someone else sees me as worthy?  And thus, my journey has begun.  My journey to understand why I have the thoughts and feelings that I have.  Why I so easily reach for something to remove my feelings from me instead of acknowledging them and addressing them.

Here is a current list of reasons why I have felt the need to drink:

  • Stress about finding a new job/lack of options
  • Stress about keeping my current job and how hopeless I feel there
  • Thinking that my friends are annoyed/angry with me or, don’t want to talk to me anymore
  • Being angry/frustrated with myself over feelings I have for someone
  • Not knowing what I want to do and feeling pressure to figure it out
  • Guilt for not talking to my family very often
  • Guilt for not WANTING to talk to my family

What do I do when I feel these things?  That is a good question.  Currently, what I have been doing is acknowledging the feeling, unpacking it to see where it’s coming from.  Is my feeling of my friends being angry with me coming from a logical place?  Or am I projecting my fears on to them?  Usually I can talk myself back to a rational place.  That doesn’t always quell the urge but, it puts it into perspective.

I find that my negative thoughts snowball.  When I’m bored at work, the challenge is gone, these things amplify.  I need to be able to keep my brain busy in order to keep order.  Is this a coping mechanism or, is it just another way to be addicted to something?

This Post Has One Comment

  1. I can so relate to so many of these and also over think and let my imagination run wild on why my friends haven’t replied back by X time etc then feel like such a needy idiot.

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