Let’s talk about (not having) sex

Let’s talk about (not having) sex

Let’s talk about sex, shall we?

I logically know that not having sex nothing to be embarrassed about but realistically, it’s been an embarrassingly long time since I’ve had sex with someone. I’m not going to write about the specific amount of time because, for some reason, that feels very private to me. Many people have a hard time with sex after they get sober because they previously used alcohol in conjunction with sex so it can feel scary or confusing to have sex without alcohol. While I’ve had plenty of booze fueled sexual encounters, that isn’t my story. If that is your story and you want to share, feel free to contact me.

My experience is that I had LOTS of sex between the time I came out as a lesbian at 16 and when I started drinking at the age of 20, with plenty of sober sex sprinkled throughout the years that followed. Yes, I’ve only ever had sex with women and I’m sufficiently confident in area of sober sex so, what does being sober have to do with sex for me?

A lot, actually.

I’ve always been single for large chunks of time between significant relationships, it’s just how I am. I don’t mind being by myself. In fact, I prefer being single to casually dating someone that I don’t feel an emotionally connected to. When I was drinking it was easy for me to go out, have some drinks and hook up with someone with whom I may not have otherwise felt a connection. The drinking enabled me to bypass the way I’m wired so I could perform how a masculine of center lesbian was supposed to and have causal sex to fill in the gaps between relationships. But, even then, many of the people I hooked up with were people I already knew and at least had a friendship level connection with.

The truth just below the surface, and what I realized for certain once I got sober, is that getting to know a woman – what they’re passionate about, what their personality is like, reading what they write, listening to them have a heated conversation and, feeling mutual respect is what I really find sexy. Those are the things that ultimately attracts me to a someone and that’s why actual, anonymous, “never see you again” one night stands were so rare for me.

I don’t know that I’d ever call myself sapiosexual or demisexual but, I do at least partially relate to both of those identities. As you can imagine, it’s a slow process to date when you need to get to know someone so well before you can tell if you’re even interested in them sexually or romantically. Living in a city where I already know so few people and often don’t quite feel like I fit in can make it extra slow.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of amazing emotional connections with women all over the country and would be thrilled to make out or get naked with many of them but, even if they were also interested, I don’t have all of this money to be flying all over the U.S. for sex. And that, my friends, is why I’m thankful for masturbation.

Just because I’m not having sex with someone else doesn’t mean I’m not a sexual being. Being alone doesn’t mean I’m not having plenty of orgasms. Having no one else to touch me doesn’t mean I’m not getting turned on by touch.

Masturbation is good for you, it can help you discover your sexuality and it can help you heal if you’re coming to terms with who you are as a sexual being. Orgasms are healthy and fun. Plus, they can be extra intense when you bring them on yourself. Learning what you like is not only great for self-pleasure but, it can make it easier to communicate what you like when you are having sex with a partner – go ahead and experiment with techniques + toys + other erotic inspiration.

There is nothing wrong with not having sex because humans can be sexual creatures in so many different ways. There is also nothing wrong with masturbating even though you are having sex or are in a long term relationship. You have the right to masturbate no matter what your partner says or feels about it.

ALSO – May is International Masturbation Month so whether you watch porn, read erotica, fantasize in your mind, use toys or, do it the old fashioned, hands only way – make it a point to pleasure yourself this month, folks!

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